Scared to Death

That's an interesting phrase.."Scared to death." I've been rolling it over in my mind for a few weeks after discovering that I'll be having major surgery soon. There I was kind of rolling along, feeling rather secure in my faith; confident to the Nth degree that nothing, NOTHING could shake MY trust in the Lord. "Moi?" No way. Pride is quite an insideous thing. In those "bad old days", Pride washed over me in waves and I struggled with it on a daily basis asking the Lord to help me. And help me He did..all along the way over the past years I've been so blessed to have that sense of the Holy Spirit telling me, "No..be careful here..re-examine this..think this over.."
It didn't occur to me that although the giant waves of Pride were gone, the deep waters were lingering just outside my door. All that I had to do was to take a few steps away from the Lord to find myself once again up to my neck and drowning.

It wasn't the thought of major surgery that did it. There is a person in my life who has harmed me and has said on several occassions that he would do so again, actually taking my life. The instant that I heard that I'd be having the type of surgery which would keep me essentially "bedbound" for several weeks my mind turned directly away from the Lord, non-stop, and headed right for that deep water; "Scared to Death."
EVERYTHING became "I" . How was "I" going to handle this? How could "I" put things in place to be more secure? What could "I" do to ensure my own safety?

Just as fast as a startled bird takes flight, my soul went into virtual panic mode. I forgot all about God in an instant. "God who?"

"Our God Is An Awesome God." Have you ever heard that song? Every word of it is truth. God saw fit to put people in front of me immediately to say, "STOP!" "Look at what you're doing. " "Don't go THERE, go to God. Fear never comes from the Lord." I have a very dear friend who listened to my babblings of fear and turned me around, telling me in no uncertain terms where I was and why. She was right.
I re-examined my thoughts. I prayed. I asked other friends to pray for me.

Walking the Christian walk is not easy. It IS easy to fall right back into old patterns of thought/behaviors; incredibly easy. All it takes is for a person to turn their back on the Lord, to not put HIM first in everything. I was stunned at how fast that happened. It was no problem at all for me to immediately go right back to relying upon myself as if "I" ran my life instead of giving my life completely to God. Do you give your life to the Lord, only to snatch it back when tempted to do so?
What does that say about putting your trust in the Lord? "Ok God. I trust in YOU, but just not THIS time, maybe later." "I'll put my trust in myself in this case, and get back to You Lord after I've straightened out this situation to my own satisfaction."
The wolf had come into the pasture and rather than stay right by the side of the Shepherd, I'd run wildly away from Him, screaming "what will I DO?"

"Scared to Death." What "Death" ought to be feared? The death of the body or the death of the soul? Jesus had something to say about that very thing:

"And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both body and soul in hell."
Matthew 10:28

Yes, too often I have to learn the hard way. Being "Scared to Death" is in actuality choosing to being in a state of spiritual death; something much more frightening to contemplate than merely "dying." Am I in control of my life? Sure. I have free will. I can choose to do, or not to do anything that I wish. God is not a puppet master pulling my strings. It is my CHOICE to give up that free will to the Lord, and to "do" with my life as HE sees fit. That means quite literally to turn my face to the Lord 24/7 and to seek Him in everything. This slide backwards has taught me how incredibly easy it is to turn aside from the Lord, especially when one has become convinced "that will never happen." I've often wondered how Peter could deny Christ three times. Now I am more humble and say to myself, "Only three?" How I wish that I could say the same.